January 13, 2013

Here we go again….

One of my best friends said to me yesterday, hope is not a strategy and that somehow resonated with me.  For over the last 4 months, that was my strategy.  I would hope the pain in my chest would go away, I would hope me not being sad would go away, I would hope one of these doctors would listen to me and not try to prescribe me medicine.  Well it’s the strategy I pursued for months.  It’s the strategy that I kept a secret.   Hope was my strategy.

All year since the marathon, I wasn’t feeling myself. I know everyone said you know the risks….I did, but I ran the biggest race of my life anyway.  And now hope as a strategy is no longer valid.  My left side again is malfunctioning, or some would say short circuiting.  That means two things, – constant pain and sometimes erratic emotions.  For those of you who have ever had those symptoms please go see a doc.  Finally after months and months of no one really putting the effort to diagnose the solution,  my favorite doctor did! I have to say the hard part of Dystonia is the misunderstanding of the disease, it’s part physical and it’s part mental.  That’s the hardest part of the disease – the explanation.

The end of this physical pain is in sight…I will be having surgery on Friday to remove the malfunctioning battery and also get rewired to ensure that these issues don’t happen again.  I am very nervous about the rewiring but I know it will all be better once I am fully recovered.  This hasn’t been an easy journey…turning myself off, using a cane, calling the airport and asking for a wheelchair, quite frankly my ego is bruised…but I know I will be stronger.  I learned so many lessons this time around.  I learned that skiing lessons and buying a bike in my very near future; I learned never put off tomorrow what I can do today.  I can’t wait to be back up again.  I can’t wait to have new batteries and wires, and most of all I can’t wait for what the future holds.