February 28, 2011

new month.  regroup. less stubborn. friends

This broken foot has been harder than I thought it would be.  It is healing and I need to stop being stubborn.  I swam this weekend, I rode, all at an easy pace yet enough to sweat.  I started to tear up on my ride that I wont get 26.2 this year, then I remembered October 9th…the woman from behind that reminded me that I am bigger than this hill.

Life is a series of rolling hills – there are amazing moments and there are moments when you have to pick yourself and rebuild.  I am on a climb right now.  I just need to remember to rebuild myself stronger.

Just recently I was telling a friend, I am planning to run a marathon later this year.  His response was Carrie – remember what happened last time you pushed yourself…That one statement was quite profound – because in my head i heard myself say yup I broke my foot and pushed my body too hard and ended up with minor tremors.  So the motivation I spent all weekend thinking about was why?  Is it because I was trapped in a body for 30 years? is it because i have something to prove? is it because I just want to run for all those that can’t?  Is it because 5 years ago today I decided to have brain surgery?  I don’t really know, what I do know is that I need to do 26.2 miles, not for a time but to remember how lucky I am to be able to afford the opportunity to run.

I know everyone asks these questions because they care.  The ones closest to me have seen my through my tremors, helped me fill out paperwork when I can’t even hold a pen…and these questions are because they don’t want me to damage myself…I get it.  On the eve of turning 5 this year, I am learning to listen to my friends and my body, DBS isn’t magic and the disease can still be deteriorating.  I have stop fighting to prove to people I can run…I have dystonia, I decided 5 years ago to have brain surgery and my life has changed ever since..



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