NYC Marathon 2018

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be writing this post.  I am a NYC marathon finisher!  Words can’t describe what an honor it is to be a part of this hard working alum base.  I deserve to be here.  I owned every step of those 26.2 miles.  My training wasn’t perfect.  I got sick 2x, I planned an Asian trip 6 weeks before the race, I wasn’t sure I would make it.  I was sure that I did everything I could to be as ready as possible.  My batteries were good.  I ate properly. I slept. I gave up alcohol. I became my best self.  Yet, the nerves were high the week before. I had phantom feet pain.  The self doubt was getting the best of me!  The night before I left for NYC, I made my shirt.  It gave me a sense of peace.  I put it on my tshirt – I am a dystonia runner.  I owned it. I became proud of my disability…

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Then came the expo!

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“It will move you”…This just stuck with me, I had no idea why at that moment but now today writing this I know why.  My life changed that day.  Something has been missing from life recently and I couldn’t put my finger on it – on November 4, 2018.  I found what had been missing – my purpose, my why…

I went to bed on Saturday night and it was the first night in 3 weeks that I slept well.  I slept like I knew I had done everything I could to be ready for this race!

Then comes the morning – ferry at 8:15; 1 hour line up for the bus and I getting to my corral at 10:55 for an 11 am start…and boy was it glorious.  Promptly at 11, the cannons went off and Sinatra started playing – Start Spreading the news…I am leaving today….I want to be a part of it – NEW YORK, NEW YORK!!!

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and I was off….the weather was glorious – 50 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, sunny and little humidity.  My smile was there, my heart was in NYC and my legs were going to do this….I had written a game plan and a nutrition plan.  I never veered.  I had so much love on the course…and NYC I fell in love with you all over again!

My friends came out – Mile 11, Mile 19, Mile 22 and Mile 23.  Those hugs got me through all the miles.  I never once thought I wouldn’t finish, even when I cramped up on the queensboro bridge with the sharpest pains in my inner thighs.  I knew I was stronger than these temporary pains.  Every hug energized me, every smile reminded me of every surgery and every battery malfunction I have ever had….then came the moment that I will never forget..

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Probably one of the most surreal moments of my life – I ran by the same door I came out of 12 years ago – April 4, 2006 right after my brain surgery after I left the ICU…I saw myself being wheeled out on the chilly morning and here I was jogging every so slowly in front of the same door….I stopped. I cried, I lost my breath.  I realized what I felt was lost in my life – my purpose.  I had forgot what a life I had, what a miracle God had gifted me and I felt like I received that miracle again!  The last 3 miles were hard, I was tired, my left foot hurt, I wanted to be done…so I did what so many people told me to do – keep moving forward, don’t stop just one foot in front of the other….then it happened…

I finished.  My greatest hero called me not even after I picked up my foot off the finish pad – I said Mom – I did it!!! As I sit here typing I realize all over again – I did it!!  Through out the last week, so many people have reached out and reminded me how much my smile, my grit and my perseverance is inspiring.   I want to continue inspiring, teaching others being disabled isn’t a life sentence, but an opportunity to show others that not even Dystonia will keep me down from my reaching my dreams!

And as always a special thank you to my biggest cheerleader – my sister, who is always on top of making sure everyone is kept in the loop of all my running updates!

I am not sure what is next … but I tell you what I do know – I am a 2018 NYC marathon finisher!

xoxox,

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January 1, 2017

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

New day. New Year, New Chapter!

For the last years of my life, I always start with – I want to lose 10 lbs….this is the first year that I can truly say the quest for abs didn’t make the list.

For my new chapter aka the New Year, I decided that these are the things I would like to focus on:

  1.  Be fit.  Be Athletic. Be Strong.
  2. Sleep more
  3. Be more social in real life and not on the phone
  4. Read Daily
  5. Meditate Consistently
  6. Stretch more
  7. Keep my diet clean as possible without depriving myself
  8. Practice daily gratitude
  9. Laugh more

These all seem easy but they really aren’t.  Every day will be a new page, a new chance to work on these  goals.  I am working on my race schedule, but if my Dystonia and my batteries work in my favor, I plan on running the Lululemon Half in Vancouver and the NYC marathon.  2017 is about less races and more quality training.  It is less about the race bling and more about the effort and the bucket list races.  I am always evolving into a better me and I am about to embark on an even bigger adventure, announcement soon!

So in 2017, it is less about “Dystonia Sucks” and more about appreciating the life that I was given, the life that I lead and those that I inspire through being me.  I truly believe that if I was “normal”, I would be a different me, but you know what after a long, long road, I have come to appreciate and enjoy this me!

To writing your new chapter!

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2016

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

This…just this…pause for a second and remember I have dystonia.

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Life’s lessons.  Every year I vow to post more, to write more, to share more and every year life gets in the way.  One thing is certain though, I always write a year in review at the end of the year and a year of resolutions in the new year, so 2016 you rocked my world!

For 2016, I had set a Big Hairy Audacious Goal, I’ll let you the reader tell me if I succeeded, I ran:

  1. January – Disney Half
  2. January – Miami Half
  3. May – Brooklyn Half
  4. July – Chicago Half
  5. September – Philly Half
  6. October – Halloween Half

I had one more to do but life got in the way and just couldn’t make that race.  But 6!  Yes 6, I am so proud of myself.  Prior to this year, I had run a total of 5 halfs!  I am not without saying thanks to my tribe, my run squad, my tribe of girls that what’s app daily about what workout or run we should do today.  I am beyond grateful to all my friends and family that come on this journey with me.  Thank you to everyone that supported me on this journey.

So why this many? Because I needed to prove to myself that with the right diligence and training, I could do anything if I worked hard enough.  I needed to stop the chatter in my head of “I can’t”.  I needed to realize I wasn’t going to come in last.  I needed to prove to myself I am a runner.  So as of 2016, I call myself a runner.  I don’t say “oh I run/walk”, that’s irrelevant. What is relevant is lacing up and running.” Just do it”, as simple as Nike’s mantra.

2016, thank you.  You taught me I can be greater than I think.  You taught me I can be a runner.  I call myself an athlete now, I earned it.  Every 4:30am alarm during the summer for a long run, every evening run, every speed session, every strength training session, that was all me.  That was my input.  My output was running my best times at age 41!

I won’t be running for the next 3 weeks, due to a back injury but this rest is earned.  I am not the only athlete that gets benched many great ones do.  I call my rest period my chance to get a tune up, to start 2017 even better and stronger.  So what’s for 2017? I guess we’ll have to wait and see in my next blog!

 

 

May 12, 2014

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

Life is on the mend…

I have started slowly getting back to being a little physical after 6 weeks of doing nothing and 4 weeks post surgery.  I am taking things slowly…I always am so worried about my DBS and Dystonia that I also forget I am human.  I have been having persistent pains in my shoulder and my class instructor made me go to the doctor last October and we tried everything and the pain kept on getting worse.  And as the ortho tried to diagnose the problem he suggested an MRI.  I politely refused, and he knew why, he saw this…

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The same xray I was looking at…and I was like you understand that because of my neurostimulator, my lifeline, I don’t have the luxury to have MRIs..So I said to him I can barely move my arm after four weeks of not doing anything and I guess the pain is only getting worse, why would this happen….and his answer cracked me up yet moved me, he said – most athletic people get injured from time to time…me, athletic?  Was he speaking to me? I looked around and I was the only person there…I repeated, well what are my options and he said after 6 months of trying everything and without means to MRI I have to go into the shoulder…so there we have it…The human side of me also wears down, experiences injuries, I am still human!  So though this sucks and my goal of running soon will still be postponed after that surgery, I am happy to be reminded that I am still part human!  

May 6, 2014

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

Life is a series of conversations…

This weekend, I had the luck of not only planning my 10 year reunion from Stanford but also had the honor of chairing the reunion committee.  That was planned since last October.  April 11th was not.  Battery changes are never planned they just somehow sneak their way into life.  So as I was planning for my surgery on April 10th, I was also firing off emails to my committee and friends reminding them to sign up.  The reality was I wasn’t even sure if I was going to make it.  I called my old roommate and I told her my dilemma and she said – Carrie, reunion can’t happen without you, you are class of 2004.

So 3 weeks post surgery, I rested with one focus planning an amazing reunion and making it to reunion.  It was epic!  I am so happy and inspired by so many this weekend.  I had classmates from all over the world come up to me and say – I love your running journey, I love seeing you 10 years later with a second chance at life, I love seeing you take your miracle and spread your cause around the world…I can’t tell you how overwhelming the whole weekend was.  This is a class of very accomplished execs, VCs, business professionals and they voted me one of the most inspiring, me – dystonic carrie, batteries and all!  

When I set out on this journey, none of this was the plan.  I had deep brain stimulation.  I was given a second chance.  I took that second chance and literally ran miles and miles….I spread the word, I inspired many and I am not done yet.  I was so excited that I made it to reunion.  What many didn’t know was that on Friday and Saturday I was at about a pain level 7, but pain is temporary the memory of this weekend will be forever.  I am inspired all over again to spread the word, to inspire many to know to work within your limitations and believe in miracles. One of my classmates reminded me that 12 years ago, he said what is wrong with your leg? why do you walk like that?  Those memories are hidden and I remember my response in those days – I have a rare disease.  Fast forward 12 years later and my response to why do you have scars on your chest? Is a proud, chest lifted answer – I have Dystonia would, you like to hear more… The other lesson on this journey is patience.  I went from running 5 miles at the beginning of the year to barely being able to ride the bike for 20 minutes today.  But as always, I will build back my strength and continue to be patient for the next 3 weeks.  And despite being frustrated I am always reminded I will be back to running across finish lines in no time!

Class of 2004 thank you for all the conversations this weekend!  The timing was perfect!  I am inspired all over again!

 

 

April 10, 2014

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

Train has left the station…

Bags are packed, the same outfit I have worn to every surgery is ready and I am calm.  This surgery has felt a little different for me since I have had to see a deterioration in myself – a decline physically and mentally which produced an emotional result 😦

Everyone has been asking how are you feeling and I have to be honest – scared, nervous, frustrated.  Looking forward to eating ice cream sandwiches, which I never eat except for surgery.  Looking forward to cheating on my diet 🙂  Not really looking forward to my 6th surgery in 8 years.  I thought I had signed up for a brain surgery and then a battery change every 4-5 years.  So we should theoretically be on the 3rd not the 6th.  I am learning though, life happens.  I can’t control why my past batteries have malfunctioned, I can’t control how fast this battery is declining.  But what I can control is my attitude towards tomorrow and the recovery.  So here goes to a quick and easy battery replacement, to being recharged and renewed and to being positive and brave during the whole process!  Running, pushups and burpees – see you in 6 weeks!  It could be a while before you see me back on here, so wish my luck and thanks to all my readers for being on this journey with me!

April 2, 2014

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

Days are now in single digits!

I have always used this blog as a forum to help others to inspire others, to see a woman’s journey with a rare condition through my eyes.  I am not sure I have ever felt the way I have been feeling these days..going through a battery completion.  I no longer drive – my eyes are too weak, my hands are too shakey – I want to be careful to myself and others.  I am tired by 3pm.  I can no longer form a sentence by 4.  I have thoughts in my head but making them out of my mouth is too much effort and sounds garbled.  Work gets harder and harder every day which for me someone who has prided herself as a career woman has made me frustrated and sad.  I don’t have energy to work out…my life has truly changed in the last several weeks and will continue to do so for the next week and half.

I always hear, Carrie you are on of the strongest people I know.  It is a statement that bothers me.  Dystonia has been my super power, the power to keep on moving, the power to keep on striving for better.  Dystonia has given me strength.

This morning when I woke up with minor tremors and an obligatory feeling that I may be getting sick (happens every time before surgery), I can see the end…I can see the light of the OR and for the first time I have to say this is not a marathon it is definitely a sprint.  April 11th can’t come soon enough…My OR time has already been changed and I know I’ll be hungry and thirsty that later it gets pushed back but you know what, I don’t really care, I just want to get back to a place where I have energy to speak, to drive and to be physical.  So I share my story to let all of you know listen to your body and always be your own advocate in this healthcare world we live in.

I am thankful to the many heartfelt words I have heard from friends in the last several days and weeks!  I am truly lucky to be surrounded my all of this love!

March 30, 2014

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

And the countdown begins…

So tomorrow begins my 6th surgery journey since I decided to embark on this journey 8 years ago.  Pre Op makes the surgery start becoming very real, it’s no longer a hypothetical but a realization that the train has left the station.

On April 4th, 2006, I had two holes drilled in my head not knowing what the outcome would be.  And here we are 8 years later, so many miles logged, so many races ran, so many people inspired and yet I am somewhat scared for the next 11 days…I have eleven more days of being super careful, 11 more days of being a little shakey, 11 more days until I get “recharged”.  DBS has changed my life, given my life, however when the batteries start dying, it is not fun at all.  People ask my what does it feel like?  I am highly emotional (and not in a good way), my body gets confused not knowing from one moment to the next what’s going to happen.  I start to have bad dreams….like the surgery won’t work and I just got lucky for the last 8 years.  My mind starts racing in a thousand directions and I have to stop and breathe, realize that not only am I getting a new battery but I am also getting an upgrade.  I am going from the original iPhone to an iPhone5S!  But let’s be real, surgery is surgery.  It is not fun.  All those plans I made for the next 6 weeks – gone, cancelled.  Dystonia and batteries failing don’t happen on a schedule it happens when it happens.  And I am realizing this is what Dystonia has taught me – appreciate the good and don’t dwell on the bad.  It always gets better, I just need to be patient.  

I always remember this week, 8 years ago, waking up every morning and wondering am I making the right decision, what if things didn’t work out and then remembering I would not be any worse off…So as ironic as it is that 8 years later I am planning yet another surgery which may be frustrating and hard to go through, I have to remember that DBS, Medtronic and friends and family have helped me get through 5 surgeries and I will get through this one as well.  So to the start of the less than 2 week countdown…here we go!

March 22, 2014

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

photo (15)Heroes…

Happy Bday to my wonderful sister, who has like me a rare genetic disease, though younger she has accepted our friend so much more than me.  So to the bravest girl in the world, Happy Bday!

Date for my surgery has been set and although I am relieved the next 20 days are going to be tough.  I am going to have to brush off the cane, I am going to have to retire the running shoes and I am going to be sleeping alot more.  I am relieved to know that all of this will be fixed very soon but it doesn’t make the interim any easier.  Walking is becoming more tedious, it makes me scared being reminded of a life I used to have.  It haunts me in my dreams that the next battery won’t work…but I do see the finish line, and I have to admit this feels like the last 2 miles of a marathon when I want to give up and I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other.  I have been on this journey for almost 8 years and even though I have been through many highs and lows, I have to say I would do it again in a heartbeat.  So I am not giving up, I may be a little twisted more than before but with the miracles of science I should be back to normal soon.

Thanks to my little sister for inspiring me to have the DBS surgery and being my constant advocate on days when I can’t, I love you more than you will ever know.

February 9, 2014

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

Conquering Fears. Believing in MYSELF…asking for help

This weekend I took a ski class with the Disability school in Tahoe and have to say I was SCARED, Nervous and of course started having major self doubt.  I want to SKI, I am dying to learn – so there is only one way to do that, take classes, fall and get up again.  I had heard about the disability ski school during a job interview years ago when this man was telling me about his wife who has Parkinson’s and loves to ski.  He recommended this school because they are trained on the mechanics of the body – how to take your imperfections and work within those limitations.  

So of course, I choose the worse weekend in years to learn.  I said to myself, I don’t care if I am the only one out there I have to start today.  And I did!!!  I had the best instructor, so kind, so patient even though he was so soaked and I kept on telling him one more run!  Every time I kept on thinking this is hard, he would say  – I am so proud of you, look you are skiing!  He was also smart enough to teach me without the poles, allowing me to understand the mechanics of my own body – how to work within my limitations.  So I made a promise to myself, this is THE YEAR!  Thanks Geoff – my most kind and amazing ski instructor who has promised me within 5 days he can get me up the slopes.  So to 2014…slopes watch out, because I am going to learn to conquer you Dystonia and all!! More to follow, I’ll be a skier by May 2014!