April 24, 2013

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

The little engine that decided she could…

Sometimes I often think about why I run…am I running away from something or am I running towards something unknown.  This last weekend I felt like I couldn’t run my first 10K of the year, felt like I just didn’t have it in me…but I also knew that friends were excited for me to run that friends believed in me and I should believe in myself.  

So I laced up and started a slow run, at my normal 13:45 pace, nothing too exciting but it was just the speed I was used to…then I hit the GG bridge and my pace got better and my stride was strong…I kept on hearing voices in my head saying “Carrie, don’t be a quitter”,” you have this”..how many times have I heard that…but last Sunday I decided I did “have it”.  So I decided at mile 4, why not go for it?My legs were stronger, the weather was perfection and I have the gas in the engine, I should just go for it…well I did…and my average pace was 12:14…so I learned to believe those annoying voices in my head, I will start believing in myself some more and will enjoy everyone run of the season!  At class tonight my bootcamp coach decide to tell everyone about my story and instead of being embarrassed about my slow time, I decided to smile, say thank you and remember that I have the courage to lace up and run races.  So while most abled bodied people are waking up most Sundays, I already banged out 7/8 slow miles 🙂 

April 15, 2013

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

I have no words…I won’t stop running….please take a moment to honor those brave runners and heroes of today’s Boston Marathon…

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I won’t stop running, I won’t stop believing!  Today’s events have made me so sad and so angry.  Today was so many peoples’ dreams…Boston, the runners’ mecca…every runners’ hopes and dreams.  People work really, really hard to get to this race..then today happened…But like every tragedy, peoples’ spirits won’t be broken, in fact it will be strengthened…

And then after my bootcamp class today something ironic happened.  I had on my Chicago Marathon jacket and this woman stopped and said did you run Chicago and I smiled and said yes, she nodded and said very cool…I felt a little guilty for smiling and saying to myself you have no idea how cool it is and was that I ran a marathon.

So I am even more motivated to be better and train harder to run my next half marathon..to get my mileage in, to not give up…to be a better athlete, to give it my all, to be okay not having that last drink and saying sorry I have my 10 mile run tomorrow.  Training has now become my first priority…running for those that can’t, is why I was placed on this earth, to show people that disabled people can run…and not only can they run, they can run marathons…So if any one who is reading this knows someone who may have become disabled because of this tragedy, tell them to write me, email me, or run with me….Disabled people can run, prosthetics and all…It is never about your pace or time, it is all about lacing up, smiling, believing in your strength and crossing the finish line!

So to all my runners in Boston, congrats for lacing up and running.. To all the injured, your life isn’t over, it just may mean you may need to work harder which makes the finish line even sweeter..BOSTON, you have only strengthened my desire to runner better and harder!

April 9, 2013

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

My legacy….

In a series of twists and turns of life, I have started thinking of what do I want others to remember about me.  Is it that I went to a great grad school? was a good friend? worked 80 hours a week?  or was it simply I made an impact in a life….

I have started learning that all I want to leave on this world is that I made a difference in someone’s life…that I inspired my sister to run a 5k, that I taught someone that a handicap person can still rock it out on the top of her career, that cane or not, it is what is inside not what people see on the outside.  

My journey with Dystonia has been one that I often fought, resented and even gave up on. But somewhere deep down I have always been able to stand back up and brush myself off.  Go into the next surgery knowing it will all be okay or be thankful for the time I have had to run races.  

So what do I want to be remembered by?  I want everyone to remember that I stopped fighting Dystonia and learned to live with it.

To accept my new legs, and run every race like it was going to be my last but knowing I inspired someone that day to take an extra step or sign up for a 5k.

As I train for my upcoming race, please be inspired to sign up for a race and raise awareness for Dystonia!

 

April 4, 2013

Posted on by Carrie Siubutt

Happy Anniversary, Happy Birthday

7 years ago…

I look forward to this day more than any other day of the year.  This is the day where I cherish my heart, my courage, my tenacity and my strength.  This is the day when I feel nothing can hurt me, nothing can break me down…this is the day 7 years ago I had 2 holes drilled in my head and still laughed, still made jokes and treated April 4, 2006 as though it was my last.

I’ll be honest, I remember going into that surgery thinking, how will I look in a wheelchair…this surgery won’t work, how will it? No one can tell me why it does…but I may as well have fun with it that day.  I woke up, I smiled, I saw 7 inches of hair fall to the ground, smelled the bone of my skull being torn apart with a drill, but I saw relief…relief knowing that I had done all I could do and DBS was my last shot…It will like being in OT with 3 seconds left and I had to make the 3 pointer….would I?  Who knows but take the shot!!!!

In the past, I usually thank everyone who helped me through the bad days, through the snow storms, through the denial of the disease but today I want to celebrate me.  I want to acknowledge it takes strength to make a decision like mine.  This anniversary may mean more to me because of the last several years….7 years and 5 surgeries later…I have had many highs and many lows.  Dystonia and DBS have played their hide and seek games with me…3 battery replacements and one wire replacement have been completely heartbreaking but have also made me stronger and ready for the next setback.  This last fall, when I had to be turned off may have been the worse but here I am….7 years later, 1 marathon, 2 half marathons and countless 10Ks later, mud races, TRX classes, hikes — I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world!

It has taken me seven years for when people say you inspire me to reply with a simple thank you.  

It has taken me 7 years to refer to myself as an athlete.

It has taken me 7 years to learn a day off is not a sign of weakness.  

It has taken me 7 years to learn not everyone is made to run a marathon.

It has taken me 7 years to realize being last still means, I laced up and ran the race.

It has taken me 7 years when in a workout class to say I have to modify, I have Dystonia.

It has taken me 7 years to realize its okay to ask for help, it means I am strong.

It has taken me 7 years to ask for a hand on a hike and not be embarrassed.

It has taken me 7 years to realize I am beautiful inside and out what people see..not the  monster Dystonia, I think they see.

It has taken me 7 years to touch my scars every morning and appreciate the miracle they have brought to me…

It has taken my 7 years to not stop believing…I haven’t stop thinking I can’t inspire friends and strangers to run for the Dystonia cause.

It will take me 7 more to continue the fight and I will not stop spreading the word to help find a cure…

Please do your part and donate to my next half marathon to help find a cure for Dystonia…

http://dystonia.donorshops.com/product/grapehalfmarathon/runcarrierun.php

and 7 years later I still cry at this screen when I write this anniversary blog, because there is nothing about April 4, 2006 I will ever, ever forget.

Happy Birthday to me!