October 24, 2013

Mixed emotions..Retirement…

This week has been really, really tough.  I have been exhausted beyond belief.  I have been in bed early every night since the half.  I realize now why I am retiring.  Running these half marathons are really, really tough.  I think the Nike Half was hard because I was by myself.  Because I had to think of every step by myself.  Usually when I run with a buddy, I can pace myself with visual cues from them running next to me…and this for those of you that don’t know, running with Dystonia for me has been particularly challenging.  I think of every step, I make sure I don’t introvert on my right foot…it’s a process and one that takes me about close to three hours.  I ran last night and I can tell my body wasn’t happy.  I am running literally on fumes.  I am trying to take it easy for my next one in less than nine days but it I have to say it is best I stop running these long distances.  I was so conflicted about it on Sunday, I really started to go down the path that I don’t need to stop, why now? I am in the best shape of my life and can do more…but then Monday rolled around and I remembered why….I want to be able to run forever so why jeapordize it by wearing myself out now?  It is what is best.  I don’t need to run 3 half marathons a year to prove I am a rockstar…I just need to be fit, strong and healthy…and that can be done in a healthy manner…but I will be honest I cry every morning thinking this will be my last half marathon…I have made a vow to not cry when I run across the bridge but be happy I had this realization before my dystonia got worse….

On the other hand, I am very excited for the race because my friend John is flying from NYC to run with me.  He had always said he wanted to run a half with me…that was his dream.  What an honor for a friend to say that!  Then one day I get an email saying – kiddo we are doing this!  John has been on this journey with me for 11 years, he has seen me go through many cycles of sadness as my Dystonia progressed…he doesn’t even know this but when the disease got worse, he gave me a book – “When Bad things Happen to Good People” and I have slept with that book next to me for the last 11 years.  John you are completing my dream to run with my bud JJ!  I am gearing up for a finale I am sure I won’t believe…my friends Carolyne and Heather, have teamed up with my sister to make this course fun along the way…I can only imagine the mayhem along the course and I will laugh the entire way…

…and to Suzie, this run is for us!  I know running has always been something you loved as a little girl.  Running with daddy as I stayed at home and read a book.  I realized 6 weeks ago these running legs have been yours and mine…You have inspired me to be the runner that you were meant to be and your courage to go through all life has given you and still be able to smile.  I thank you for always giving me advice when I feel like my batteries are failing or when I just don’t feel well.  I am excited to see you at the finish line…I am excited you get to finally see me run it has been one of my dreams to give you a big hug at the finish line!

To mom, dad and all my friends, you are all amazing, without any of you in my life, I would not be the person I am today…Thank you everyone for alway believing in me..more to come as I rest up for my finale…I’ll leave you all with one of my favorite moments!