October 31, 2013

Endings…Breaking Up…End of an Era

Barely touching my “eighth birthday” I have decided to stop running half marathons…and I have to tell you all, I feel so mixed about the decision.  Yes, I may have a little tremor but that’ll go away, it always does or will it?? …At the request of my friend I started reading my blog from the beginning.  When I started this little blog, I never ever thought it would last this long, be read so much or touched so many lives.  However, as I read it last night several themes emerged – how much I enjoy working for the medal and how many days after I inevitably blog about the little tremors.  Yet, I always forget about the bad days right after and then I sign up for the next race.

So I’ll be honest this decision sucks.  I am grumpy.  I cried at the gym today knowing this will be my last half marathon.  I feel like I am breaking up with myself.  I feel like I always define piece of myself by training and running these half marathons. When I was once told I don’t take care of myself, I never understood what that meant – I mean I get haircuts, I hide my greys, I work out; what do you mean I don’t take care of myself?  I finally understood earlier this year and then again last night and even today as I gear up to race again…half marathons exhaust me…I was literally falling asleep at 6:30pm tonight…My body is tired…it takes everything out of me to do them…it takes weeks to recover….I am guaranteed a huge adjustment in two weeks…So I get it now – taking care of myself means acknowledging the Dystonia and remembering that the DBS is a gift… A gift I need to take care of…

So am I smiling today? NO

…Am I sad, YES!  

But I know that this is the right thing to do….it’s just hard seeing the end so so close…and even though it doesn’t mean I will stop running, piece of me is going away…I will never say I am training for another half marathon again….I will run 10Ks (no one trains for a 10K :))…I’ll start riding my bike, swim, maybe take skiing lessons next winter or start paddleboarding…who knows what’s next?  But I do know the end is in about 72 hours away and for me endings are hard..really really hard…So I promised myself on Sunday I won’t cry but I will smile celebrating the end of an amazing race – 1 marathon, 1 tough mudder, 5 half marathons and many many 10Ks…I have done what many take for granted…done what many able bodied people don’t even attempt to do…and I have to say I have been very very lucky to have done so much…So tomorrow, I promise to turn my frown upside down!

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